I’ve been feeling particularly out- of- control lately with reguards to health and insurance stuff and I need to be reminded that even when I’m out-of-control, God is in control. So, I want to share a story that reminds me of God’s control.
On December 10, 2002 ( I was 22 and had only been married to my dear husband since May of that year) I went to the emergency room for what I thought was a heart attack but turned out to be a panic attack. Anyone who’s ever suffered from a panic attack knows how scary and debilitating the situation can be. I’ve suffered from anxiety since childhood but this was my first panic attack.
While I was at the hospital they discovered something very odd. My chest x-ray showed a large shadow in the lower part of my lungs. They dismissed me from the hospital and told me I was fine. A few days later the ER doctor himself called to tell me he was sorry that he had missed something on my chest x-ray (if you could see how large this thing is you’d wonder how he missed it). He said there was a shadow and I needed to return for a CT scan. This was a Thursday evening and they could not get me in for a CT until the following Tuesday. I spent a torturous few days and then had the CT. I left the hospital and within the hour my doctor called to say I needed to return to his office. My dear husband and I went to his office and I waited for the doctor to enter the room. I’ll never forget the words that followed. “Your CT did show something on your lungs. It’s large and I’m sending you to a surgeon in the morning.” I don’t remember anything that he said after that but I remember feeling fear start at the tips of my toes and run up my entire body until I was paralyzed. I felt as though I could not breathe or move. He talked more to my husband and then left the room. When he left I remember my dear husband coming close to me and whispering “This may have surprised the doctor but it isn’t a surprise to God. You will be ok, God is in control.” Then we checked out and I was given the info about the surgeon’s office I was to go the next day. When we left my doctors office I went to my work and packed my belongings and said some goodbyes to co-workers. I was told I would be out of work for months after the surgery. I was frightened and feft like I was living in a horror movie.
The next morning my dear husband, mother and I went to see a local cardiothoracic surgeon. He was a kind and gentle man who put me at ease the minute he entered the room. He said he had reviewed the CT scan and my chest x-ray and the mass was connected to my esophagus, not my lungs. He said that it did not match any mass he had ever seen but had similar characteristics of a few rare birth defects. Since it was near the holiday, he said I should enjoy the time with my family and return to his office in January for tests prior to surgery. He said that the mass was very large ( about the size of a softball) and that since it had likely been there a while there was no need to rush to surgery. He also told me it did not look like cancer. The surgeon told me that I could expect some trouble with swallowing and told me to be careful with what I ate. I left his office more relieved but still quite anxious. I had numerous panic attacks over the holidays and felt as though I was chocking all.the.time. Eventually, the doctor told me I should not eat solid foods since I may chock. I saw several other doctors for second opinions and had many tests. It turns out that this mass communicates with my esophagus, meaning when I eat the food passes from my esphogus through this mass and then returns to my esphogus. I finally returned to the orginal surgeon since I knew he was a Christain man and had been so kind. None of the other doctors could offer any light onto what this mass was on my esphogus. He set my surgery for the first part of February and recruitd several other surgeons to assit with the surgery. I signed releases so that they could take pictures for medical books. It was all like a dream.
This entire time I prayed for a peace from God. I would say, “if this is my fate then give me a peace”. I got to the point that I was not asking to be healed but just to be given a peace about the situation. All the while I became more anxious. No peace to be found. Then less than a week before my surgery I went to met with the surgeon who would assist the main surgon by reattaching my stomach to my esphogus after the mass was cut off. The surgeon was to mark me for surgery that day but instead he came in with tears in his eyes and said this……” I attend church with Dr. X ( the cardiothorasic surgeon) and we’ve talked and prayed about this procedure but I’m just feeling uncomfortable”. He said that I had several options but thought I should seek another opinion. He said it was hard for him to come to peace with this kind of operation on such a young person. He told me he did not know who I should see.
My dad’s brother who is a medical doctor had been trying to get me to go and see a surgeon at Emory but I didn’t want have surgery away from home. I finally decided it was time to go see the surgeon at Emory. My uncle made a few calls and got me appointment later in the week. By this point I was tired and thin. I had lost close to thirty pounds and appeared “very sick”.
Something you should know is all along I wanted a “sweet surgeon”. I kept telling my family that I wanted someone who was kind and who cared. My uncle kept telling me that I did not want a kind surgeon but I wanted a GOOD surgeon. It turns out that I got both. Dr. Joseph Miller, Jr., Chief of Thoracic surgery at Emory University Hospital is a tenured surgeon with a kind heart and spirit. I went to Emory that day with two wonderful friends. The surgeon looked over the films and asked me lots of questions. He then said, this doesn’t look like anything I’ve ever seen and we could operate. He went on to say that while he could operate he thought it best to leave the mass alone. He said, “If it’s been there long enough to be that big and not givng you any problems then we shouldn’t bother it.” I was relieved but skeptical. He told me I should slowly start eating solid foods because he saw no reason that I would chock. He also told me that he would like to re-scan me in 3 months. At 3 months he said he would see me in six months and since then it’s been yearly. This December will mark six years since they found the mass and it has not changed and I have no problems. Dr. Miller has never given the mass “a name” but believes it’s been there since birth.
Meeting Dr. Miller was a blessing and I believe he is the surgeon whom I prayed for. He and his staff continue to be kind and gracious. I’m not sure why the mass is on my esophagus but I’m sure that God did not give me a peace until his “perfect” time.
I know this was a long story and if you made it this far, thank you. I needed to write this to remind myself that God has always been and will always be in control of my life. It is my belief that no matter what the fate of this could have been God was/is in control and will give me a peace to live through his will for my life. As I battle with what health insurance company will/and will not pay(and my anxiety over the situation) I know that he is still in control.
Little Belle has developed a love of the Disney Princesses. She has a pair of long-sleeve pajamas with one of the princesses’ picture on them and every day she wants to wear the shirt. She often chooses her princess book to read and sticks millions of princess stickers on paper a day. Yesterday we made a trip to the dollar store (the “real” dollar store where everything is actually $1.00) and I told her she could pick one prize. She found a princess puzzle when we first walked in the door and even though I showed her other toys she insisted on the princess puzzle. 
While I appreciate that Disney has princesses in several colors and ethnicities I wish they came in a few other shapes, besides perfect. The social worker in me worries that such toys and clothes will teach Little Belle that she needs to look “perfect”. I want Little Belle to grow up knowing that princesses come in many shapes and colors. Still, what’s mama to-do? The stuffs everywhere even if we didn’t buy it she’s see it everytime we walk into a store. 
